Thanks for tuning into another episode of “The Fake Show with Mike Oxmaul”. We have a special guest tonight, professional basketball player, LeGreen Cash. He’s here to talk about the recent protests happening in the city Krusty Krab and its citizens’ fight for freedom and independence from mainland Chumbucket. LeGreen Cash is known as the most outspoken athlete in the world, having funded hundreds of high school students to college and even built a brand new school in his hometown. But between Krusty Krab and Chumbucket, his political position seems to have stirred much controversy.

Let’s get straight to the point here. A team general manager, Michael Scott, tweeted his support for the protests in Krusty Krab. Chumbucket didn’t take this message well and threatened to cut all business ties with your sports league. In an interview, you said Scott was “uneducated on the situation at hand” which rubbed a lot of people the wrong way. What’s your response?

“Standing up for freedom is good and all, but man, I love my cash money. Half of my income comes from ripping my fans off with my overpriced sneakers, made absurdly cheap with child labor. My boys in Chumbucket hooked me up real good. If I say those social justice crap in front of them, they will surely cut me off and with all I’ve earned so far, it ain’t enough to feed my family. I have to keep that cash pouring into my bank non-stop. Plus, it’s so easy to finesse consumers these days. I mean, $1000 for a ticket just to watch me bounce an orange ball back and forth on a wooden court? You crazy!”

As mentioned, you are widely known as the most outspoken athlete in the world. Clearly with your recent response, your image as a proponent of social justice has somewhat changed. Do you care about the public’s opinion about you? Do you want to issue an apology?

I know that people especially in Krusty Krab aren’t too pleased about what I said. But when I watched them burn my jerseys, I chuckled a bit because they still bought MY jerseys with cold hard cash. That’s free income for me, baby. So jokes on them.

I do want to apologize to one person though, and that is Cruella De Vil. A year ago, she told me to “shut up and dribble” for talking politics on national TV and I didn’t listen to her. Well, in this situation, I should have shut up and dribbled. Or else I wouldn’t be dealing with this Krusty Krab fuss and the annoying retweets on my phone. Thanks for the advice, Cruella. 

In your follow-up tweet, you mentioned that you and your team “went through a difficult week” as an excuse behind your comments about Michael Scott. Clarify to us what it has been like for you these past few days.

These plane rides across half the world to play a game that I'm way too overpaid for affects me and my team not only financially but mentally, physically, spiritually, religiously. I'm in my 17th year in the league and I'm old as dirt. Sitting in a luxury plane that's specifically customized to comfort oversized players like me and a high definition ultra 4K TV screen attached to my bona-fide leather seat is getting tedious too. Plus, we just got our asses handed to us by a terrible team in a preseason game that doesn't matter a lick. People only see us during games but don't understand the day-to-day struggles we go through. 

You grilled the league’s head office to punish Michael Scott for his “inappropriate” tweets. In fact, the commissioner himself showed his support for the general manager exercising his freedom of speech and firmly decided not to punish him. How did the discussion go with the commissioner?

Like I said, his tweet in favour of freedom could have harmed so many people not only financially, but physically, emotionally, spiritually. And by people, I mean my business partners in Chumbucket! We all do have freedom of speech. But at times, there are ramifications for the negative that can happen when you’re not thinking about others, and you’re only thinking about yourself. You have to think about athletes like me who are struggling to make a living as a basketball player. Our bodies are being exploited for the sake of entertaining others. We could have lost our jobs! We keep society together!

So I told the commissioner that if a player instead tweeted out their support for the protests, they would be chewed out and disciplined by the head office. But really, I was just making a last-ditch effort to save what was left of my self-esteem. But the commissioner delivered the finishing blow by reminding me that he never punished any players or coaches for openly criticizing our own president. So yeah, needless to say, I got absolutely owned. The commissioner dropped the mic on me and I ran out of comebacks. I tried to minimize the damage by saying all the players should follow the commissioner and that we should all forget about the issue. I guess this is why you go to college.